Am I Going Potty?

by Anon

As my son neared the big number 2 (years old, that is), various older female relatives started muttering about babies being clean by 16 months in their day, etc etc.  With a young baby as well, I was as keen as they were to have only one bottom in nappies, but pretty daunted at how I was going to manage the transition.  However many ‘signs’ your child is showing of readiness for potty training, I still think it’s worth waiting until you’re ready too.  The mental strain of appearing relaxed and positive whilst clearing up a crappy floor – again – or the extra machine-load of washing is hard if you haven’t got the time or the energy.

We started by mistake. Realising I’d run out of paper nappies one day, I tried and failed to interest my son in a cloth nappy, so pants were the only alternative.  It’s worth buying ones that are attractive to toddlers (his are nifty racing cars!), although I think hoping they’ll be motivated to keep them clean is a bridge too far.

It’s definitely an idea to stick close to home for the first few days.  We didn’t as we started by mistake, and that definitely delayed us getting into the swing.  We spent a day or so with me constantly asking my son to sit on the potty, then another day or two with me constantly asking him whether he needed to wee / poo.  He found the latter quite stressful, and once I’d been able to suss out his pattern, things definitely eased, as I felt I didn’t need to ask as much.  He’s blessed with a bladder of steel, so doesn’t actually need to go as much as I thought he would.  Having time to observe also means you can tell the signs they need to go (like a classic grabbing at the vital area!).

Training over the summer helped (as did wood floors), although I would definitely still put pants on rather than running naked so they have a sense of being wet / dirty and can learn from it.

Don’t Start Cold

Once the signs are there, make sure you prepare the ground.  Naturally private people in this area, my husband and I had to steel ourselves for lots of chats about weeing and pooing, plus my son’s enquiring looks down the pan and helpful comparisons with our previous efforts, and little mini-me sessions where he sat on the potty next to one of us on the loo. 

It’s worth making sure you agree what you’re going to call things, and dropping into conversation that some people use different words – my son was a bit confused that he weed but his cousins peed, which I probably should have thought of beforehand.  That said, using older relatives and friends as demonstrators (assuming they’re amenable) really helped to make using the potty or the loo seem more attractive.

Accentuate the Positive

Once you start, the main thing is to encourage, encourage, encourage all the way.  If they wee or poo themselves - and they will - it’s no big deal but tell them that they should tell you they need the potty next time (if you’re going out, always take spare clothes and a carrier bag to put the wet ones in).

If they do it in the right place – and they will! – clapping, cheering, big ‘clever boy’s, without going completely over the top, is in order. It felt ridiculous to me to be so upbeat about bodily functions, but it’s worth it. One friend’s son has different words for different shapes / types of poo – charming, but at least he’s into it.  On the ‘too much detail’ note, it’s worth reminding boys to make sure their willy is pointing down to avoid getting sprayed!

Big Potty / Little Potty

People have mixed opinions about whether to use a potty or the loo – the potty is handy but you then have to transfer, while the loo is the ultimate destination but can be quite big and frightening to some toddlers. I’d say you can’t go straight for the loo. If you can, at least one potty per floor is essential – we had a few accidents while I was legging it in from the garden to retrieve the pot. I would say also that the toilet is, in my opinion, worth encouraging as soon as possible for poos, which I find utterly repulsive in a potty.  We started with the potty and have progressed quite naturally to the loo, with trainer seat and step, although not yet standing up to wee (I’m hoping for some man-to-man advice from my husband when my son is tall enough to reach). 

On the Move

You will, I assume, have to leave the house at some point, possibly for long-ish car or buggy journeys.  Toddlers can’t go ‘just in case’, so it’s a case of ‘have potty, will travel’. Our boy entertained (or possibly offended) the queue for a ferry to Swanage this summer by making himself comfy on the potty his dad had whisked out of the boot. You can buy special travel potties, and you can also get special absorbent mats that sit between them and the car or buggy seat.  And again, don’t forget the change of clothes.

Backsliding

Even after you’ve broken the back of it, you still need to remember that change of clothes – most toddlers consider stopping for the loo too boring if they’re having a fantastic time playing with friends, or can’t quite make it to the loo in time.  Watching for signs, or getting friends to, is helpful, or gentle reminders.  Also be prepared to be laid back when they’re tired, poorly, or just being bloody-minded – friends had to move their naughty step to somewhere non-carpeted after their son had taken his revenge a few too many times!

Equally, my son (and I’m sure, other children) often develops an urgent desire to wee just as he’s getting into bed, and can sit on the loo for ages with nothing happening (sometimes, I’m bound to admit, taking the opportunity to have a good old fiddle – probably a subject for a whole other article).  Having said that, he’s also woken in the early morning a few times, presumably coming into a lighter sleep, wanting to use the loo.  You’re unleashing a monster and you just can’t control it…

Night Time Dryness

We haven’t got to this yet – I gather around 3 is the average age, and waiting until he’s had some nights waking up with a dry nappy the best approach.  Plastic sheets are a must, I imagine.

And Finally…

In my limited experience, assuming they’re ready, it doesn’t actually take children very long to crack this potty-training lark.  It seems a long time when you’re measuring it in wet pants, but it’s worth persevering for a few days to see the tide change.  And I think it’s worth really going for it – once you’ve taken the plunge, putting your child back in nappies for journeys etc, tempting though it may be, just confuses them and delays the transition.

Potty training isn’t a panacea – after the accidents are mostly over, you’ll still spend quite a while carrying a potty or a loo seat around with you, and mentally working out where the next or nearest bathroom is.  Discretion also goes out of the window, and you’ll need to start the tricky business of teaching your child the etiquette of polite conversation.  In church last week, my son and I made a swift exit and on return he loudly informed the congregation that “I done a big wee and mummy done a big wee too.” Ho hum…

Signs of readiness

He knows he’s done / about to do a wee or a poo and can tell you.

He’s happy to sit on the potty / loo, whether he uses it or not.

He's actually using the potty / loo at least some of the times he’s on it.

Some people think being able to pull his pants / trousers down, but I think this can come later.

Why I Became A Doula

by Katie Rachanow

I believe that with anything in life, things have a way of working out.  So when I was posed the question; “Why did you become a doula?”  I was a little stumped. To be honest, I have no idea. But this is how the journey unfolded.

I'm a yoga teacher from America. We moved to Ely when I was 5 months pregnant and had to learn everything about the British healthcare system in a matter of 4 months. I was scared and alone and boy do I wish I had a doula.  Luckily, I had some amazing midwives that pointed me in the right direction. And eventually I just let my yoga practice take over my mind and body and experienced the most profound and enlightening birth of my daughter.

I had been studying yoga and pregnancy for sometime before becoming pregnant.  I have a deep routed interest in people and their health and the health of their babies.  So when I was looking at trainings for the year I was pleasantly surprised that England has some of the most educated and well trained teachers of pregnancy and birth in the world. I decided that I couldn’t leave this country without meeting Michel Odent. Odent is the first doctor to write about Waterbirth and about the impact that birth has on our civilization.  I had no idea what a doula was or what the work would entail but I did know that I needed to meet this man! And the way to do that was to take the Paramana Doula training Odent and Liliana Lammers offered in London.  So I sign up!!!

I had heard of doulas (they are fairly popular in America) but I had never known exactly what they do.  A doula is a person that supports the family unconditionally with emotional, physical and informational support throughout pregnancy, birth and beyond.  I learned so much at that training. And although I left with a new understanding of birthing, I still wasn’t sure that I would become a doula afterwards. I just thought that it would be a good addition to my pregnancy yoga classes, and it was.  However, a couple of my yoga students heard that I had become a doula and all of a sudden before I knew what was happening I was sitting in a hospital room helping a mom have her baby. Four short months and 4 births later, I became a certified/recognized doula with Doula UK.

So far, I’ve had the extreme pleasure of working with the RAF Lakenheath hospital system and the Addenbrookes NHS hospital system. All four births have been in a hospital. Some natural, some not so natural, some with midwives and some with doctors, some with gas and air, some with induction, some with medication and some with nothing at all.  I’ve been so blessed to have seen both the American and British health care systems at work.  And what I’ve learned is that every woman and baby are different. Each birth is unique, even if it’s multiples. Every partner and family structure is distinctive.  Sometimes the mom doesn’t need support at all but sometimes it’s the dad that needs reassurance. Some women need massage and music and others just need me to sit and listen to them. Some women need reassurance and some don’t need anything at all. But one of the main things that I think I provide as a doula is the knowledge that women are capable and strong and sometimes they just need to know that they can trust their instincts.

I continue to learn from each experience and every story I hear (I will forever be a student). And I still can’t believe that I have had the unexpected good fortune to slip into a role where I get to help a new baby meet the world. 

Have you used a doula? Let us know about your experience by commenting below...

Co-Sleeping in the News

By Jo Turner, Crowthorne & Sandhurst NCT Branch

In May 2013 the BMJ (British Medical Journal) published a report that found bed sharing with parents increases the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) fivefold in babies younger than three months, even if the parents are non-smokers.

"The current messages saying that bed sharing is dangerous only if you or your partner are smokers, have been drinking alcohol or taking drugs that make you drowsy, are very tired or the baby is premature or of low birth-weight are not effective because many of the bed sharing deaths involve these factors"

BMJ Open study by R Carpenter

This report has resulted in the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) examining its current guidance.

"Putting babies to bed in a safe way reduces the chances of them getting hurt. We know that for the first six months of life, the safest place for a baby to sleep is in a cot, lying on his or her back, in the parents' room. Sleeping alongside a baby increases the risks to the child – including death. We currently recommend that doctors, midwives and nurses should warn parents of the risks of sleeping alongside a baby in a bed"

NICE Spokesman

NCT has responded to this study and the NCT’s Senior Policy Adviser, Rosemary Dobbs has said:

“Around half of all parents in the UK sleep with their baby in bed some of the time, either in a planned or accidental way. It is important that parents are fully informed and given information that is tailored to their individual circumstances. This includes the risks associated with sharing a bed with a very young or premature baby, as well as the increased risks to a young baby sleeping in a room alone. However, NCT does not support a universal instruction not to bed share as it could lead to an increased likelihood that a parent or carer inadvertently falls asleep while holding the baby, in a chair or on a sofa, which is much less safe for the infant. 

“More than 300 babies a year die in the UK as a result of SIDS. These deaths are concentrated among more disadvantaged families and in environments where there is smoking, alcohol or substance abuse. It is important that effort is focused where it will have most effect.  NCT would like to see the government do more to reduce poverty and disadvantage among parents of babies and young children, and strengthen its efforts to support smoking cessation and avoidance of alcohol during pregnancy and at the early stages of a child’s life.”

NCT’s Senior Policy Adviser, Rosemary Dobbs

Many other organisations have also published their own comments regarding the study.  One that discusses the points to consider when reading the study is by Unicef UK.  

“The stated objective of the paper is to resolve uncertainty about the risk of SIDS and bed-sharing, but this is not possible if essential data has not been collected. A more recent study (Blair et al, BMJ 2009) has demonstrated a significant interaction between co-sleeping and recent parental consumption of alcohol and drugs. None of these five case-control studies collected data on recent drug consumption and only two collected data on alcohol consumption. The over-arching argument is thus whether bed-sharing in itself poses a risk to infants or whether the risk is within the hazardous circumstances in which we bed-share. These older studies simply do not have the data to resolve this argument.”

UNICEF UK Response

Becoming a new parent, you are bombarded with information, rules and ‘do nots’.  This is at a time when you have so little time of your own to investigate the facts behind these headlines.  So how do you know what rules to follow?  When our parents had us they were given far fewer ‘rules’ and we are okay so can we ignore the new rules?  But knowledge of our bodies and understanding has moved on so why shouldn’t we expect more rules?  When cars were first on our roads they did not have seat belts and even on a slow journey I would not consider leaving mine off. New information and technology has assisted us with the continual ‘human development’. 

Let me talk you through my personal thoughts on this study, using some articles that I have read to assist my writings.

Firstly, I will state Abi did co-sleep with me and my husband, so you have to understand my perhaps-biased viewpoint.  Abi was born four weeks early and weighed less than 5lbs.  I was told by health professionals that skin-to-skin contact was very important.  During the day, a naked Abi would often sleep tucked in my nighty—I spent a lot of time sitting down in the early days as I had had a C-section.  When we got home from hospital it was easier for me if Abi slept in the bed (I was still suffering a lot from my C-section).  Also, it seemed natural to me for Abi to sleep immediately next to me.  Abi was tiny and slept on a pillow between us.  I do not fidget (particularly with a painful tummy) and felt comfortable like this.  Night-time feeds were easier and I needed to inconvenience my husband less to help me.  Until Abi moved into her own room at six months she still spent part of the night co-sleeping with us.  This is all clearly against the current guidelines as she had a low birth weight and I was very tired (which new parent isn’t?!).  But it felt right to me to be able to feel her breathe throughout the night.

So, what are the ‘facts’?

In the recent bed-sharing research, Professor Carpenter reviewed home sleeping arrangements of infants in 19 studies (split into five datasets) across the UK, Europe and Australasia to resolve the uncertainty as to the risk of SIDS associated with sleeping in bed with your baby if neither parent smokes and the baby is breastfed. 

Among the 1,472 babies who died of SIDS, 22.2% were bed-sharing with parents; of the 4,679 babies who did not die 9.6% were sharing a bed on the day the interview took place.

But, in the report’s own words, the data is lacking certain detail:  three of the datasets do not collect data on the mother’s alcohol consumption in the prior 24 hours, and only two datasets contain information on the mother’s drug use.  And in all data smoking is only considered post birth with no data regarding the mother smoking during pregnancy.  As all three of these factors are agreed as key SIDS risks, this does seem to let the results down considerably.

The report also uses the lowest risk group as the baseline to generate the ‘five-fold risk’ increase.  Breastfed baby girls, placed on their backs to sleep with no other risk factors present have the lowest risk of SIDS.  Using the general population, the risk of co-sleeping is smaller than 2.7.

The headlines do not mention that the greatest risk increase for co-sleeping is where the mother smokes (a 15 fold increased risk).  Some odd patterns also arise, like the similar co-sleeping risk if both parents smoke and if only the mother smokes – but if you don't co-sleep, only having the mother smoke is half as risky.  The biggest risk remains when both parents smoke and consume alcohol—if you co-sleep here the risk is 151 times greater than the baseline.  My takeaway from reviewing this is that perhaps the data pool is too small and other factors are at play here. 

None of the five datasets that the report is based on asked the interviewees if they had intended to co-sleep, only if the baby was in their bed.  This subtle distinction could have dramatic consequences in reviewing the conclusions.  Unintended falling asleep by parent and baby would mean that no actions were taken to address the risks of co-sleeping. 

From talking to some of my friends, they would never have considered co-sleeping.  They were terrified of accidently rolling onto their baby or throwing the quilt over them.

My sister purchased the Bednest as an alternative to co-sleeping as both her and her husband fidget a lot at night (is it wrong that I now know this about my brother-in-law?!).  This is a crib with a drop-down side that attaches to your bed.  If you are interested, the NCT Shop sell this. It can also be rented from the NCT for six months. (See below for Bednest reviews.)

What I have taken from all the articles I have read is that unintentional co-sleeping is dangerous, wherever that may be.  Always ensure that you put your baby to sleep in a place you consider safe, be that their cot or your bed. 

All parents need sleep.  And, yes, risks of co-sleeping exist but could we not focus on safe sleeping techniques for parents, providing safety guidance if we chose to sleep together (covers, pillows, falling out of bed being risk factors)?  Cars kill far more children than co-sleeping does but we do not steer away from using them; instead we use in a perceived safe manner.  Saying no to co-sleeping could cause more harm by causing the mother to fall asleep somewhere unsafe for both.

I will give you one word of warning on co-sleeping though.  If you start you might not be able to stop!  Abi is now 4 1/2 years and rarely do we have a night when she does not come into our bed.  We will encourage her to stop soon I am sure!

Sources

http://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/3/5/e002299.full

http://www.nct.org.uk/press-release/nct-response-increased-risks-sids-when-bed-sharing

http://www.isisonline.org.uk/news/?itemno=17810

http://sarahockwell-smith.com/2013/05/21/bedsharing-sids-why-we-have-it-all-wrong/

http://www.unicef.org.uk/BabyFriendly/News-and-Research/News/UNICEF-UK-Baby-Friendly-Initiative-statement-on-new-bed-sharing-research/

Information on sleeping safely with your baby can be found on the NCT's website.

Bednest Reviews

Lou Everatt-Fletcher, a 39-year-old probation team manager from Oxford, is mum to eight-month-old Juno
"Juno is my first child and I knew from the start that I wanted to co-sleep, but I was worried about the risks. Sadly, we had a tragic cot death in our family and it is something we have always worried about. But the Bednest allowed me to sleep easy as I could see at any point in the night that she was safe and happy. I do not do well without sleep, but it allowed us to sleep in the same room without going mad. I could feed and resettle Juno without having to get up, which in the early days after quite a difficult birth was a huge help. My husband even managed to sleep through feeds as I would wake when she began to stir and could comfort her before she started screaming. I am also a huge fan of well-designed, stylish yet practical objects. The Bednest delivers on all fronts. It looked great in our bedroom and performed brilliantly. There is no comparison."

Ericka Waller, 30, is a stay at home mum from Brighton and mum to 10-month-old Bliss
"A friend had a cot which had an adjustable side which she swore by, so I took to Google, found an image of the Bednest and fell in love. It's easy to use, is stylish and comfortable and makes life so much easier. I was very sore after I gave birth and the Bednest meant I did not need to keep getting up and down to feed. I also had to go back to work after six months so I needed to make sure I had enough rest. Having the baby so close meant that my husband did not get woken up in the night – two sleep-deprived parents is never a good thing. My baby was close to me at all times, but as she was not actually in my bed I could roll around freely without worrying I was going to squash her. I could check on her with ease, which as an anxious parent was a great comfort. And when she was unsettled I could rest my hand on her to soothe her without having to lean awkwardly over a cot or Moses basket. I could breastfeed while she was in the Bednest and if I did pick her up for a cuddle, it was also easy to slip her back in without waking her. Bednest was the first sleep space I've tried and I never needed to look anywhere else."

Raman Glazier, a 33-year-old HR Recruiter, from Acton Vale in Ealing, London, has a five-month-old boy called Willem
"The Bednest is revolutionary. We tried for four weeks to get Willem to sleep in the Moses basket and every time it creaked he would cry, but he was a different baby when we introduced the Bednest. And I truly believe that it has really helped him become a good sleeper and as a consequence we are very happy parents. Sleep is priceless, so the Bednest was an investment for all of our family. It doubles as a travel cot, which really helps when you're trying to establish a routine but still want to go away. We've taken it on holiday and bedtimes have been a smooth transition because of that."

Maxine Fletcher, 39, from Luddenden, near Halifax, is mum to Matilda, 16-months-old
"I was interested in co-sleeping and the Bednest seemed like the perfect compromise for what we were after. We wanted Matilda to be close to us, to make breastfeeding at night easy and to provide lots of nurture and close contact right from the start. We wanted her to have a very nurtured start to life and we did everything we could to build a secure, strong bond with her. I think the Bednest played a big part in helping us to achieve that. Our main concerns were not about safety and sleep, although important, but to provide that emotional care and closeness from the start. The fact that there was only a short move to pick Matilda up and feed her, often allowing me to go back to sleep again quickly afterwards was such a relief. Now she sleeps in her own cot and she appears secure and content at bedtimes. These early positive experiences must have really helped establish a good pattern for the future."

What are your views on co-sleeping? Let us know by commenting below...

Breastfeeding and the Law

Does a woman have a "right to breastfeed" under UK law?  

Not as such.  We have no law making it a criminal offence to prevent a woman from breastfeeding, as they do in Scotland.  Nor does our legislation currently provide a right to additional breastfeeding breaks at work, as it does in Norway and many other European countries.  However, if a woman is treated less favourably because she is breastfeeding in a public place then this will constitute unlawful discrimination under the Equality Act 2010.  

When the Equality Act came into force there was much concern that a breastfeeding mother would only receive protection from discrimination for the first six months of her baby's life.  Sure enough, the section on "maternity" (s17) states that the protection granted is limited to the first 26 weeks after birth.  However, these maternity rights have more impact on mothers in the workplace.  When it comes to breastfeeding in a public place, section 13 clearly states that treating a woman less favourably because she is breastfeeding constitutes direct sexual discrimination, regardless of the child's age. 

In practise this means that the owner of a cafe, hotel, cinema or other public building cannot ask you to stop breastfeeding or refuse to serve you, no matter how old your baby is.  You have the right to be treated with as much dignity and respect as any other customer.  These provisions also apply to all modes of public transport as well as parks and other public spaces.

A business may ask a breastfeeding mother to leave their premises for a reason that is not connected to breastfeeding (e.g. swearing or violent conduct) but if the case goes to court the onus is on them to prove that they did not discriminate on the grounds of breastfeeding.

Under the Equality Act 2010 it is also unlawful to discriminate against the companions of those protected by the Act.  So, an insult to the husband or friend of a woman who is breastfeeding her child may also be unlawful if it arises because of her breastfeeding.

Employers have a duty to make sure their employees comply with the law.  The owner of a public place - cafe, for example - may also have a responsibility for the behaviour of other customers towards a woman who is breastfeeding.  This will be the case if the behaviour has been brought to their attention and they have failed to act.  Therefore, if another customer objects to a woman breastfeeding in public, it is that customer, and not the breastfeeding woman, who should be asked to leave.

Exemptions:  There are very few exemptions to where a woman may breastfeed in public.  However, by nature if a woman can lawfully be excluded from a space or organisation she can also be excluded from breastfeeding there.  It is also legal to prevent a woman breastfeeding where there are legitimate health and safety risks e.g. toxic chemicals.

If you have a complaint:  If you are discriminated against because you are breastfeeding, you should first take it up with the organisation who has discriminated against you (or where the discrimination occurred).  If you cannot resolve the matter this way, you can bring an action through the County Court.  Cases must be started within six months of the incident, and you should always seek legal advice first.    

What have your experiences been of breastfeeding in public? Let us know by commenting below...