Bounty: What Was Your Experience?

by Hannah Lazarus

I was in the hospital ward the day after giving birth to my daughter when a lady came round with her laptop demanding my name and address and asking if I wanted a photo of my baby. I could be forgiven for thinking that this was an NHS official! But I had recently seen an article from the NCT condemning the way that 'Bounty' is given access to new parents to collect their personal data and pass this on to commercial companies. So I knew what this lady was after! What shocked me was the way that she demanded my details ('Hello. What's your name and address?'!), rather than ask if I'd be willing to provide them!

The British Medical Journal (BMJ) has recently published an article by a GP condemning the NHS and some UK royal colleges from selling commercial advertisers access to pregnant women and new parents through such promotions as Bounty bags - which contain leaflets, money-off vouchers and sample products.

Belinda Phipps, chief executive officer of the NCT, is also critical of the way that the NHS allows Bounty access to new mothers. “Within hours of giving birth, they are being asked questions—their name and address, details of life insurance—and they give them in good faith, thinking they’re speaking to a hospital person. In fact it’s a commercial person. The NHS is condoning a sales team collecting data from mothers in order to sell their name on to commercial interests.”

What makes it seem more official is the fact that Bounty is the main distributor of child benefit forms, which are given out alongside the newborn Bounty packs. It saves the Government money (HM Revenue and Customs told the BMJ that “Bounty distributed 82% of all child benefit claim forms in 2011-12, averaging about 10p for each claim. If HMRC posted the forms individually the cost would rise to around 33p for each claim".) And it's easier to get your form handed to you in hospital rather than have to apply for the form when you get home - but is it right for this to be conditional on giving your details over to commercial companies? Should these be distributed by midwives or hospitals instead?

Many parents are unhappy with this practice. In January 2010, the NCT surveyed just over 1,000 parents. It found that half did not know, and were unhappy, that their details could be used to target advertising to them. A further 37% knew that their details would be used in this way and were unhappy with it. The remainder were unconcerned.

Although the section on contact details that parents fill in includes the information that “by providing your email address and/or telephone number you agree to be contacted by these channels as well as post,” many parents have told Belinda Phipps that they did not understand what they were signing up to. 

However, Bounty claims that its packs are well-received. In its January 2013 survey of 4,000 parents, over 90% of mothers said they were 'satisfied' with their packs.

What was your experience of Bounty after giving birth? Did you understand what you were signing up to and were you happy with your pack/newborn photos? Did you refuse to sign up? Let us know by commenting below:

When is the best time to have another baby?

by Helen Cox

Researchers have tried to tackle this question, and while they can't say definitively that every woman should wait two to three years between births, many of the studies do settle roughly on that time frame.

Here's a rundown of the research:

• Waiting 18 to 23 months after the birth of your last child before conceiving another seems best for the new baby's health, according to a study published in the New England Journal of Medicine. Doctors found that babies conceived less than six months after the birth of a previous child are 40 per cent more likely to be born prematurely or underweight. And those conceived more than 10 years after their closest sibling face about double the risk of preterm birth. 
• A similar study at the University of California in San Francisco found that the ideal interval between babies is 24 to 35 months. Babies conceived sooner had a higher incidence of low birth weight. Doctors suspect a mother's body may need that time to recover from the stress and replenish all the nutrients she lost as a result of the first pregnancy.
• When your first child is aged under one year or aged over four years is the ideal time in terms of the children's relationships with their parents, sibling rivalry, and their own self-esteem, according to Jeannie Kidwell, a professor of family studies. She believes children under one don't have a sense of their special status yet, and that those over four have had enough time to enjoy attention from Mummy and Daddy, plus they now have a life of their own.

So what are the things you may want to consider before having a second child?

How old is your other child?

There is no right or wrong answer here, though the research, above, suggests it might not be wise to get pregnant if you've got a baby under six months. People go both ways on this question. Some think the older your other children, the better. That way they've had plenty of time with you and they can understand and even talk about the effect another child might have. Others think spacing your children close together ensures they'll be playmates for life, and that you won't be spending the rest of your life raising small children.

How will another child change your lifestyle?

Are you settled into a nice routine with your other children? Do you have good childcare set up? Are your other children sleeping through the night? Perhaps you've reached the point where you and your partner have time for each other again. Maybe you've gone back to work and you love it. These are all important considerations when you're thinking of having another. Remember, a newborn will take over your life. Consider whether you have the time and energy an infant requires, and whether your children are ready to deal with the reality of a baby in the house.

What's your financial situation?

Money isn't everything, but you do need some financial stability when you're raising a family. Considering that each child costs thousands of pounds a year to care for, you'll need a little extra in your monthly budget before you conceive another child (or you'll need to pull your belt in another notch!). It's important to consider your work situation, too. Many women find it more difficult to keep up with full- or even part-time work once the second or third child comes along. Can you afford to stay at home or to pay for the new baby's childcare if you want to stay in your job?

How old are you?

Unfortunately age is a factor, especially for women. If you're 38 years old and you want two more, you don't have the luxury of spacing them three years apart. But if you're under 30, and you don't have any health problems that could make conception difficult, you can be a little more flexible with your timing. There are no hard and fast cut-offs in terms of age. Many women can still get pregnant in their early 40s, but fertility rates do drop dramatically once you reach 35.

Do you and your partner agree?

Sometimes one partner is ready and the other isn't. It's hard to be in sync all the time. This is a tough one to settle, but the first step is to start talking about your differences. Sit down together and discuss your points of view. You may not solve anything at that moment, but you'll have a better understanding of the issues. It might help to talk to others in this situation, too.

What does your heart say?

You can mull over the pluses and minuses of having another child forever without coming to a firm conclusion. This is one of those decisions that's best led by the heart, so go ahead and follow yours. If you want another baby, and your partner wants one, too, there may be no time like the present.

What do you think about age gaps?

Catherine Hookway, Hillingdon NCT

The following quotes describe the pros and cons of close and long age gaps between children.

“I don't think there's a perfect age gap - depends on your financial circumstances, how you feel emotionally and physically, how much support you have, and also on the temperament of your older child. I think you just should go with what suits your circumstances.”

“I like having a small age gap as younger children are more resilient to change and are less likely to remember what it was like being the only one, so will be less jealous.”

“I think close spacing is hard on the parents for the first 2 years, but the benefits of having them close in age come after that, as soon as the children can play together.”

“A smaller gap gets the hard work over with quickly, but the expenses come closer together and there’s more squabbling later as the children's interests overlap.”

I am expecting my second and will have a 13 month age gap which was planned! I am the eldest of 3 and there are age gaps of 16 months then 11 months between us and we all loved being so close together and still do. I have only positive memories of it and I think  if my mum could manage with three aged under 3 living in a 2 bedroom flat and going everywhere on the bus, then I should be able to cope with 2 in a house and with a car!”

“My daughters are 14 months apart. It was very hard at first but now they are best friends. I think they will be very close as they grow up, especially as teenagers when they are going through everything together.”

“I have 3 children the first 2 are only 18 months apart. At first it was really hard battling with a new baby and a relentless toddler, but now at 3 and 4 they play well together.”

“If the older one is already at playgroup it is easier on you – you can have naps during the day when the baby sleeps to catch up on being up in the night, and that means you have a bit more energy for your older one when they get home. Unless you have family to help out it would be very hard to have a toddler at home all day and cope with being up half the night with a newborn.”

“I’d say about 2 years is ideal – certainly as adults it  seems that my friends all say they got on well with siblings around 2 years apart from them. I’m nearly 6 years older than my youngest sister which is a bit too much!”

“I have a 3 year gap between my first and second and then 4 years between her and my third. This meant I was able to devote a lot more time to them as babies, as my first was at playgroup when the second was born, and the same with the third.”

“I think a 3 year gap is great as the older one is no longer totally dependent upon you and you can devote more time to the baby.”

“I have a 3 year gap because I work and we just couldn’t afford to pay for two lots of childminding fees – we had to wait until the oldest was at school nursery. On the other hand if you are taking a few years off work, it makes more sense to have them close together so you can make the most of that time and have them settled in nursery or school before you go back to work.”

“I don’t think I could have coped with less than 3 years! It just makes it so much easier when the older one can communicate and understand what is going on, and also there are the practicalities, such as not having to carry the younger one upstairs or lift them into the car or highchair when you are pregnant.”

“My daughter is 3 and a half years older than her brother and is not jealous and is very helpful and considerate...plus with a new baby to look after I am relieved she is no longer  in the "into everything" stage...”

“I wanted a close age gap and started trying when my eldest was 4 months old. It then took us 3 years to get pregnant so we have a 4 year gap. As it turned out it works very well. Although I think there are some disadvantages because they are not at the same stage and enjoying the same things at the same time, it is much easier in many ways: my eldest started school soon after my youngest was born so they didn‘t have to compete for my attention and my eldest has never shown signs of jealousy.”

“Advantages of a larger gap are that you have time to recover physically and can also enjoy each child as an individual. It means your child has your undivided attention for the first few years and spreads costs over a longer period of time.”

 “I just think you have to go with what suits you best. I have friends with small age gaps and they love it, but also some with 4 or 5 year gaps which work really well for them. On the other hand a lot of people don’t have the choice – just depends how long it takes you to get pregnant. Whatever you decide or fate decides for you, you just have to make the best of it and the most important thing is to enjoy your children whatever family size or age gaps you have”.

What is the age gap between your children and what have been the advantages and disadvantages? Let us know by commenting below.

 

What are your Christmas Traditions?

Yes I know, I'm sorry, but it's 25th of November now, someone had to mention it soon.

This is actually Arthur's second Christmas, but last year he was so small he didn't really know what was happening. This year, at 16 months, trees, lights, decorations, that big fat bearded chap dressed in red, and gifts (well at least the boxes they come in!) will all capture his endless curiosity. Like many parents, his dad and I are thinking about what Christmas will be for our family. Like birthdays, we want it to be a special occasion, with lots of fun and joy and celebration, but without too much commercialism, or ridiculous expense.

Our culture of course means that you can't have a conversation about a child's Christmas without the mention of Santa / Father Christmas / St Nick, or whatever it is you call him in your house. We decided we are 'doing' Santa, but as we got deeper into that conversation, we discovered we had radically different expectations of how Santa works, based on our own childhood experiences.

For me, Santa brought of of little things; some knickers and socks were a regular feature, some chocolate, one or two small toys, a couple of books. For him, Santa bought just one big special thing. He always felt sad for kids who's Santa bought them clothes! My Mum and Dad always got me a nice present, whereas for him there was nothing at all from his parents (only Santa!). I would have felt sad for him!

As a result of our own experiences, I have been collecting up list of all the things Arthur needs, like some PJ's, vests, trousers, and some little toys he has shown interest in, like a pot and pan set and a dustpan and brush. Daddy on the other hand has been thinking of a tricyle or ride on toy. I'm not sure we've fully decided how to proceed as yet, but we are aware there is no rush - he is unlikely to remember this year anyway, so if he has the excitement of unwrapping lots of things (even if they are vests that I would have to buy him anyway) he wont necessarily expect lots of things next year. So for now, we can go ahead with my little stocking plan. He could also get a tricycle, but it will probably arrive when the weather is more tricycle friendly and his legs are a longer and more coordinated (perhaps for his birthday). By next year though we are hoping we'll have a definite plan in place.

Other Christmas things we'll do?  We'll have a tree with lights, maybe we'll make something with holly to stick on the front door, we'll hang the cards as our decorations and we will spend the big day with extended family, and enjoy giving. If the weather is good, we might head into our town centre for the switching on of the lights next week, and we may go to that garden centre where they have the reindeer one day. I think that's enough, don't you?

So, how about you? What are your Christmas Traditions? Does Santa visit your house? What does he bring? Please share your ideas with us using the comments below.

Debate: Do you find parenting hard or easy?

from the NCT editors yahoo group database

Parenting undoubtedly has its ups and downs. Parents have told us which aspects of parenting they struggle with and the things that they have found most rewarding. What have you found the hardest and easiest aspects of parenting? Let us know by commenting at the end of this article.

Hard!

I found the first few weeks really hard. I expected to fall in love with my baby at first sight and it just didn't happen. We got there eventually, but everything, the sleeplessness, breastfeeding, what to do with a newborn, was difficult. On the positive side, second time round I did fall in love at first sight!

I've just had my second baby and I remember very clearly the same time with my daughter (now 2).  It's so different this time.  With my daughter I hated the first 2 months, I didn't like her or what she'd done to me or my life. I remember crying my eyes out the first day my husband went back to work as I couldn't stop her crying and we went for a walk and I was frozen. I took to walking around shopping centres after that. I think it can be quite a lonely time, especially with winter babies.  I've met loads of mums since who have been desperate to go back to work at 3 months, but then when they get to 6 months take the rest of the year off! Anyway, my new little one is a star!

I personally found the newborn phase absolutely horrendous. I hated every minute of it and was just counting down the days until that magic 12 week point. I was on the verge of walking out the front door many times. Unfortunately, as my baby had an intolerance that we were still trying to diagnose and treat effectively, the 8 hours minimum of screaming a day just went on and on until almost 16 weeks. I never expected having a baby to be simple or for it to feel like I had finally found my calling, and I believe that this (along with some amazing NCT friends) got me through it without having a breakdown of some sort.

The hardest thing for me was when I had my second son. My first born was bright, eager to please, loving and popular. My second really struggled at school and his frustrations were often taken out on me - he would scream insults at me, refuse to let me cuddle him or tell him how much I loved him, hit out at other children and generally made it very difficult to like him. I felt like a really bad mother especially when you read so many articles about 'perfect parents and children'! Happily, he is now a lot happier and has made some good friends and seems to quite like me too now, although not all the time of course!

I once heard someone say that if you find parenting easy, you’re not doing it properly. I think the overwhelming sense of responsibility we feel every second of every day can be hard. The challenge as a hitherto calm and quiet-natured woman of dealing with an exceptionally strong-willed and energetic son – of keeping up with his relentless quest to test the strength and resilience of everything from the sofa to my patience! The shock of discovering just how hard it is to care for two children when the second arrives – two hands/arms are never enough…

Here are a couple of things I found hard:
Breastfeeding was extremely painful on my nipples for at least the first eight weeks. I tried everything, nipple shields, Kamilosan, Lansinoh, repositioning with a lot of advice from midwives and breastfeeding counsellors and nothing seemed to help. In the end it was just a matter of perseverance and maybe letting my boobs 'air' a little (and using no breast pads) that helped!
Social life. I found it really hard to make proper friends. There are loads of groups around and I've been to several but it takes so long to get to know anyone, or feel like I have a group of friends with babies the same age. For the first 9 months my baby was always the youngest in the groups I went to.

I have never been as tired as I have since having children.  Despite working as a teacher for 12 years before starting my family I had never felt more stressed, tired, trapped and infuriated as I have at times over the last 7 years.  The sheer unending nature of parenting makes it truly the hardest task in the world, with no ‘weekend’ and no let up in the responsibility one has to have. At least at work we get weekends, holidays and time out to recharge batteries and take a breather. Having a supportive partner who can give ‘time out’ or take some of the tasks on makes life much easier, but nevertheless our relationship is often tested as we try to juggle all the demands of working, running a home, and bringing up our children.

Here are a few things I found it tough...my lows.
Not having family nearby. Lots of friends had grandparents who came to visit and let them have an afternoon out/off. We had no-one within 100 miles. Felt like no escape at times....      
Feeling tired all day but then strangely unable to nod off to sleep at night as my head was whizzing with baby things. I'd just be nodding off to sleep when the baby would wake up. Typical!
Having a neighbour with 3 kids under 3 who makes it look easy to be a mum. I struggled with one!
Having a husband who, although I know does really appreciate what I do, still thinks it's funny to make out that all I do is drink tea all day and play....grrrr.
Having anything in common with old friends. If they haven't had kids then it's easy to lack things in common and find yourself talking about baby things and baby friends.

I wouldn’t change having children for the world, but if I am honest, I feel as if I have sold my soul at times. It’s all about the children; rarely do I focus on me or my needs. The hard times seem to outweigh the easy times. I am hoping this eases as they get older and it’s not all so intense.

The hardest thing I have found is the emotions that get stirred up in me since having a child. When my son is misbehaving I get angry very quickly (something I didn't experience before) though I do manage to control it.

Easy!

Things I love about parenting? Oh yes, no problem! Ten months into motherhood I have never smiled or laughed so much in my life. I spend so much time being silly and trying to get my daughter to chuckle at me because when she does, it is the best sound in the world! Although it's hard work being in each others' pockets all the time (I've given up work to look after her for a bit), it is far more rewarding than any job I've done so far and having her is definitely my finest achievement!

I love the way my daughter is constantly changing. Each time she does something new, no matter how mischievous, it amazes me. From the first smile, to pretending that the TV remote is a telephone or learning to climb on the sofa or throw sand out of the sand pit, each day is full of firsts.

I love the way that children allow you to be so sociable. Having a child is a great way to start conversations, whether in shops, at bus stops or on holidays. I find it really hard now going on the bus without my little girl as I miss the way she smiles at everyone and breaks that unwritten rule that people don't talk to strangers on the bus.

I lived in my current house for 3 years before my daughter came along. All my friends were living in other areas and I didn't really know anyone locally. Now, I can't get round my local shops or park without bumping into someone I know, a great way to feel like I really belong to my local community.

My son was not a planned baby, but he is such a blessing and has completely changed my life. Yes I might spend half my life telling him 'no' or 'stop' but instead of working full time and falling asleep on the sofa before I’ve had time to make any tea, I now have a job which I love, where I only need to work 16 hours, I get to socialise with other mums during the week, and I have time to cook with a little helper.

I find them liberating, for example they're more important than housework, and with tiny children there's a good excuse not to travel for miles to see relations; they come to us instead.

I like the way that they enable us to see the world in a new and better light. For example when we take a pile of junk to school for the Making Box, and I think 'phew, a nice tidy house', merely a few hours later we're saying 'Wow, a space rocket!!'

How safe is television?

by Joanne Phillips

Uploaded by Catherine Hookway, Hillingdon NCT. Permission granted by author for use in NCT newsletters

In August 1999 the American Academy of Pediatrics published a report criticising the amount of television watched by young children. Among other things they recommended that children under the age of 2 should not watch any television and that older children should not be allowed television sets in their bedrooms. The recommendations for younger children were based on the view that when babies and toddlers are watching television they are not getting the stimuli which are essential for proper brain development, such as close-up interaction with older children and adults.

Another American study, reported in the media earlier this year, found that children between the ages of 1 and 3 who watch a lot of television are more likely to develop attention deficit disorder later on in their childhoods. The Chicago Times  also reported that other studies have suggested a link between television watching and obesity, aggressive behaviour, drug abuse, poor achievement in school, early sexual activity and poor body image.

However some of these reports have been criticised for not distinguishing between the type of programmes watched, just the number of hours, assuming that a child watching an hour a day of Cbeebies has the same level of risk as a child watching an hour of unsuitable adult programmes.  Also, in the studies mentioned above, even though factors such as parental education level and socioeconomic group were taken into account, the situation within each family was not, so it’s possible that the children apparantly damaged by television are those with other family problems and that unlimited television watching is just part of a wider pattern of neglect. It might be that children whose television watching is closely supervised by parents and who are encouraged to discuss what they are watching, are not so badly affected.

My instinct is that watching television is not helpful to children’s development. In general I don’t think parents sit and watch with their children, encouraging interaction and discussion as makers of supposedly educational programmes would often have us believe. I think television is too easily used as a childminder – understandable for the odd half hour when you need a break, but this can easily turn into longer and longer periods of time. I also feel really uneasy about children having televisions in their own rooms.

Here’s what a few well-known childcare books have to say on the subject:

Raising Happy Children by Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson: “Too much screen time is antisocial. It will limit your child’s opportunities for socialisation, free time and exercise and present him with a very restricted view of the fun to be had in the world.”

The Secret of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph: “It’s probably a good idea not to get so uptight about children’s televsion that it becomes a huge conflict. But considering that it’s the biggest influence on their minds after you, you may want to monitor your kid’s TV diet.”

Your Baby and Child by Penelope Leach: “Most parents find the peace which television and video cassettes can offer at least occasionally irresistible. And if using the screen as a babysitter isn’t exactly parenting to be proud of, its surely better than letting stress and irritation build to a point where you keep putting your child down or yelling at her.”

Finally here are a few comments from mums on their young children’s television-watching habits:

Naomi (mother of two children aged 2.5 and  9 months):
“My opinion on TV changes radically from day to day. One day I'm dog tired and desperate to have a quiet moment and the TV is like a God-send. The next I can't stand the sound of the thing and demand to switch it off for the sake of my sanity! I've come to the conclusion that TV is bad for you like chocolate is bad for you, i.e. in big quantities it ruins your health, but it’s fine in moderation. The good things are that it can generate conversation and shared enjoyment, you and your children can learn from it.”

Sarah (1 child age 15 months):
“I am in two minds about TV watching. I’ve always thought too much is bad for many reasons, e.g. there are better things to do, it encourages lethargy, etc. But I do I think there is some learning value to some TV programmes. The only hard and fast rule we’ve decided on is that we don’t want our son to have a TV in his room for a very long time yet (we have friends whose 3 or 4 year olds have their own TVs). Also I do think it is bad for him when we are watching TV while he is around because there is a tendency for us to become sucked into what we are watching so that we run the danger of ignoring him or making him act up more to attract our attention away from the TV.”

Abbi (one child age 2):
“I'm happy for my daughter to watch a limited amount of TV - perhaps an hour a day as quiet relaxation time. She's not allowed to have it on in the background, only if she actually wants to sit and watch it while I get on with jobs.”

Joanne (mother of two children, aged 3 and 8 months):
“I must admit there have been times when I’ve been really tired and just want to sit down with a cup of tea for half an hour and it is easier if you can put on a children’s video to keep them occupied. At one stage I got worried that my daughter was asking for TV a lot during the day, so now I let her watch TV once a day if she asks and only one or two programmes on Cbeebies so that’s usually not more than about half an hour. I’d say she only asks for TV 2 or 3 times a week, but I imagine this will change as she starts school and talks to other children about what they are watching. I think we will be quite strict about how much we let her watch then as I don’t think it is very beneficial. I know some programmes are educational but I hate to see kids just sitting like zombies in front of a box, not talking to anyone or aware of what is going on in the room. I don’t let my son watch any television at all as I think he is too young at 8 months old.