By Joanne Thorley
Here are some tips collected from various online resources,
on dealing with your young child’s undesirable behaviour. They won’t all suit
everyone, but some may help your family…
Keep rules simple.
Describe them in terms of ‘things we do’ or ‘things we don’t do in this
family’. - Keep rules age appropriate – e.g. “we eat as nicely as we can” so for an older child that means with cutlery and for a younger one it means not throwing food with their toddler spoon.
- Try to distract your child before you see a tantrum coming on. Prevention is always easier than cure for the parent, especially when you’re tired.
- With regular bad behaviour on a certain topic, make a mental note of what happens, what triggers it, how you react, what happens afterwards etc. See if you can work out what they are getting out of repeating it, what their ‘payoff’ is and try to do something different next time.
- If your child constantly disagrees or refuses things you ask, it may be an attempt to get some sense of control. Try using two choices instead of one demand. E.g. instead of “get ready for bed” ask “do you want to put pyjamas on first or brush your teeth first?” This may give them a sense of having won something without needing to fight you.
- When telling a child off, try to criticise the behaviour, not the child – make sure they know that what they DID has angered you, not who they are.
- Let children understand that actions have consequences, and when they choose the action they choose the consequence. This stops your reactions just feeling like constant punishments and gives the child an alternative. The easiest way to show this to a young child is to make the consequence match the offence. So for example if they throw a toy, instead of giving them time out, simply take the toy away and put it out of reach for the rest of the day. If they throw someone else’s toy, take something of their own and put it away. So the consequence of throwing things is going without things to play with.
- Consequences also need to be age appropriate and timed sensibly. Losing a weekend trip to the park on a Wednesday might mean something to a school-aged child but means nothing to a toddler, for whom a consequence needs to happen within a minute or two of the offence to have meaning. Children aged 3-5 can relate a consequence to the offence for several hours afterwards.
- Be consistent. A child needs to be able to predict what you will do when they do a certain thing. The most successful way to get a bad behaviour really well entrenched with a child is to change what happens when they do it. If you give them a consequence 3 times out of 4 and then do nothing on the fourth time, they will keep trying it and trying it to see when the next time is that you will cave in. Being inconsistent encourages persistence.
- Whining – tell children that you can’t understand what they are saying when they speak in a whiney voice. Tell them you want to be able to hear them, so when they ask you in a normal voice, you will be able to listen. “Normal” is a loaded word, but is used here because you are trying to reinforce that whining is not normal or desirable. If you don’t like the word normal, try ‘nice’ voice or ‘grown up’ voice. Be prepared to refuse to hear anything in a whiney voice though. Again be consistent.
- If your child is in a whiney phase and they do something without whining, make a fuss of it. For example if you always have a supermarket battle whining for sweets, make sure that you occasionally surprise them with a treat when they DON’T whine in the supermarket, and tell them why.
- If a child’s behaviour seems related to a stage in their life e.g. a new sibling, starting school or new daycare, one or more parents being away more, baby sibling becoming mobile, illness in the family etc, it may be a sign that they want reassurance. Continue to offer consequences for the behaviour, but at other times when they are NOT misbehaving, offer them increased cuddles, attention, playing together and praise when you can. Try to ignore the little misdemeanours and concentrate on the biggies when a child is feeling insecure so you’re not spending your whole time getting on at them when they need your positive attention most.
Real-Life Toddler Tantrum Experiences & Advice
Compiled from
contributions from NCT newsletter editors
Your Tantrum Experiences
We were in the toilets at a local shopping centre and Lily
(2) decided she wouldn’t wash her hands. She subsequently threw herself onto
the ground and began howling, kicking and screaming. I am not one to be overly
concerned about what other people think of tantrums so I generally ignore them
until she calms down but I needed to get her off the floor as it was not clean.
Every time I got close to her, the screams and thrashings escalated. People
passed us and either gave me knowing smiles, terrified ‘I’ve got to get out of
here’ looks, or tutts for obviously being a horrible mother.
I managed to pick her up, as well as the shopping bags,
buggy, favourite soft cat, etc and hobble outside to where it was cleaner. I
popped her down in a nearby place where she could not hurt herself or run away.
I walked about 10 metres away and started reading my book (she could see me
clearly).
We were near to a bank and people in the queue started
fussing. Some were obviously annoyed that she was being so noisy, but a few
were concerned for this ‘poor little girl’ and were wondering where her mother
was. They caught my eye and I signalled that I was mum. They nodded their
heads, chuckled a bit and gave me very encouraging smiles. After about five
minutes Lily settled down and as soon as she called ‘mummy’ I went to her. We
had big cuddles, we cleaned her face and we went to wash our hands.
Fabri
My worst tantrum moment was in a shoe shop. I really needed
to get some Doodles for my daughter and our local shop had sold out of her
size. I rang round several others and eventually found one with a pair in her
size and asked the shop to keep them for me. When we got there my daughter
wouldn’t try them on and it just escalated into a 15 minute lying on the floor,
kicking, screaming tantrum. It was the first time she had really done it and I
didn’t know what to do, plus I really wanted the shoes, so I just stood there
for ages trying to reason with her (not a good idea) until one of the
assistants suggested I just take her home and come back for the shoes later. I
then spent at least 5 minutes (felt like a lot longer) trying to put her own
shoes back on while she kicked them off (should have just put them in my bag
and carried her out.) I was so embarrassed at not knowing how to deal with my
own child that I’ve haven’t been back to the shop two years later!
Catherine
My two year old ‘lost it’ in a local shoe shop and fell
against a chair as she thrashed about, a harried sales assistant in attendance.
The two year old split her lip and howled for what felt like AGES (actually it
was about five minutes) whilst my three year old methodically dismantled all
the displays she could reach. And yes we stayed and bought them both a pair of
shoes – though I admit to being very red and sweaty with embarrassment by the end
of it!
Kit
My 20 month old had a strop about getting in the pushchair
when we got out of the car in the car park of the local shopping centre. He
complained very loudly all the way to the shops and was still complaining after
we came out of the second shop. His older brother (nearly 4) had never really
had any tantrums in public so I found it quite embarrassing, especially as we
got an awful lot of funny looks. I felt the need to keep saying loudly ‘no
you’re not getting out of your pushchair’. He did eventually calm down and
happily sat in the pushchair for the rest of the trip.
Anne
While working as a nanny the two year old I was looking
after was having a strop while we were shopping. I was ignoring her but one
helpful lady asked me if I knew my child was crying!
Kate
Your Advice
I have various strategies – mostly trying to ignore them
works. Depending on the situation, I
sometimes pick the child onto my lap and hold firmly, but not painfully, whilst
talking calmly about what we’re going to do next and why. On a bad day I deal
with them by yelling at the child and storming off in a huff - not very
successful.
I also try and head off potential tantrums. My best way of
doing this is by offering choices. So for example my two year old hates getting
dressed but if given the choice ‘which foot first?’ about putting socks on will
happily offer a foot.
Megan
I find making eye contact with absolutely no-one and also
being willing to pick up and carry one or both flailing children away as
quickly as possible generally works. (I do seem to remain amazingly calm apart
from blushing brightest red!)
Kit
I find changing the subject before it escalates often works.
For trigger things such as shopping I encourage good behaviour by telling them
they will get a treat at the end if they are good.
Louise
Don’t use empty threats – if you say something you must
follow it through so they know you mean what you say.
Sally
Tiredness is a real trigger for tantrums and general bad
behaviour in our house. This does mean that the strops are usually at the end
of the day and so not in public but are when I’m tired as well and I know I
don’t always handle them as well as I could. I try and avoid them by making
sure the boys know what is happening so, for example, saying when you’ve
finished building your house/ doing your puzzle etc we’re going for a bath. It
doesn't always work, especially with the 20 month old, who I don't think quite
understands this, but works very well with the older one (nearly 4) and has
done for some time.
Anne
Distraction tactics work wonders. I've used them
successfully with my son who is nearly 3 now. I don’t like to use bribes, like
giving sweets when he starts moaning; there is nothing worse than a spoilt
child. To get his attention I put a new thought in his mind, and he forgets all
about what was bothering him. Here are some of my top methods:
- Asking what he has in his pocket, even if it's empty he'll stop what he is doing to investigate. When he says 'nothing', I give him something to put in there and keep safe.
- Asking what have I got in my pocket / bag ?
- Asking, 'what is your favourite...' anything, sweet, colour, toy.
- I know it's a bit naughty lying, but saying ' I just saw Bob the builder go into that shop, shall we go and find him?' makes trawling round crowded shops a lot more fun for kids.
Simon
For a very small toddler, often picking them up and
whispering in their ear causes the tantrum to stop. They can't hear what you
are saying. Try singing softly, if they keep yelling.
If a toy or chair 'caused' your toddler’s frustration (he
ran into it, it won't work) I've found that humour is a great diversion.
'Scold' the chair or the toy in mock disapproval. Your child will likely dry
his tears and start laughing. Being tired, fatigue and irritability are often
the precursors to tantrums. So if it’s nap time, skip that stop at the grocery
store and head straight for home.
Anon
And finally, a few
thoughts to remember...
I remember thinking when my oldest was 2ish that she went
for a whole week at a time without appearing to enjoy any moment of it – just
constantly going from tantrum to whinge. But now she’s 4 and she rarely has a
tantrum and is much easier to reason with. It’s worth remembering that they
will grow out of it, even though it seems endless at the time.
Megan
I feel sad when Lily has a tantrum because there is nothing
I can do for her except give her the space to sort out her feelings and let her
know that I am there once it has finished. I don’t feel embarrassed when she
has one in public because I think it’s a natural part of growing up and
everyone has been through it. I’m sorry when people have to see/hear it but I’m
sure it won’t ruin their day! I don’t let it ruin mine or Lily’s either.
Fabri
Let us know about your tantrum experiences and advice by commenting below:
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