Thursday, August 16, 2012

Where do you get your parenting advice?

A few things inspired me for for my post this month. Firstly, Hannah's comments on a previous post about books that she had read, the recent item posted under The Snip about the varying quality of online advice, and a conversation with mother of three who said that all baby books had been found to make parents feel inadequate in some way, no matter what their philosophy or intention.

I am sure all of us have turned to a book or the web at some point. I was advised to read Tracy Hogg's Baby Whisperer book. I have to say I was offended by almost everything Tracy had to say, after all she was accusing me of "accidental parenting" when I truly felt I was doing my best to respond to my baby's needs. I wasn't all bad though. Even though I was being offended I was compelled to read the whole book, as I thought that there were elements  of value. We didn't follow EASY. What was easier for me was to follow my baby's cues and work out how our life together could work for both of us. I do have to admit, I did turn to Tracey again when Arthur was about 7 months old and I was trying to move him from my bed to his own cot so that he would be safe when I wasn't there.  There was an element of 'pick up - put down' in my own custom made sleep training.

I felt much more in tune with Gentle Birth, Gentle Mothering by Australian writer Sarah Buckley. However, my birth wasn't quite what Sarah would recommend (or what I had hoped for) so I can really see how books like this can unintentionally make mothers feel bad for not being able to do everything perfectly. I read the birthing part of this before Arthur was born and I have to admit it took me a while to pick up again afterwards to read the mothering part. This is because I was aware that the front of the book contained all the reasons why I shouldn't have had a hospital birth, been induced or and had an epidural (all of which I was very grateful for - we did what the situation required at the time). I am pleased to say I still didn't revisit those early chapters and give myself a guilt trip either.

I ended up being comforted by William & Martha Sears' Attachment Parenting Book. I think the main reason for this is because it tells you to "Beware of Baby Trainers" and I was still reeling a bit from Tracy when I came to this. It was comforting to read that following my intuition and responding to my baby was the right thing to do. It also set me free a little, in that it made be believe that I did have the capacity to do that.

Looking back on it now, I guess it told me that I don't really need a manual, but luckily for the Sears family, I bought The Baby Book before I realised that!


I also use lots of online resources. I am a self confessed crazy googler. However, I do like to think I have the capacity to critically analyse what I read and I do question lots of online content. One thing I like about the internet though, is if you keep searching, you'll eventually find an answer that you like! That's usually the one I choose to believe!

So, how about you?

Where do you get your parenting guidance? Are there any books which you would recommend (or avoid) or any websites that are of particular value? Do you have a story to tell about what helped you the most? We would love you to share this with other parents by commenting below.

Please note - this is not official NCT advice, just the ramblings of a mother. You can find the official NCT guidance here http://www.nct.org.uk/parenting.

3 comments:

  1. I also got very annoyed at Tracy Hogg! A colleague of mine recommended it to me. I had a quick skim through it before my baby was born and used it as a reference in the first few weeks. I became really stressed and worried by a comment in it - that a baby shouldn't be feeding more than once in every three hours or it would turn them into a "snacker". Some days I was feeding up to 14 times! I thought I was doing something wrong and that she wasn't getting enough from me. In desperation, my husband called our antenatal teacher who reassured us that our baby was probably building up my milk supply and also needed to feed regularly as she only had a tiny tummy. There were also other comments in it that really annoyed me!

    Another book that I found completely ridiculous was the Gina Ford Contented Little Baby book - recommended by another work colleague. I read this before my baby was born and to say it was confusing was an understatement. And when she was born, trying to enforce these strict feeding and sleeping routines on her just seemed to utterly ridiculous! Another one for the bin....

    Like Emma, I found the William Sears books very reassuring. Unfortunately, I only discovered this much later on. I think whatever parenting book you relate to really depends on your baby's personality. If you have quite an easy baby, they might fit in well with the Tracy Hogg or Gina Ford routines. But if you have a baby that doesn't like to be put down and likes lots of human contact, you're obviously going to relate better to the Sears style of parenting.

    I'm currently reading a book called, 'What Mothers Do, especially when it looks like nothing,' by Naomi Stadlen - recommended by my health visitor. I really which I'd read this before having a baby rather than the blinking Gina Ford book! It explores all the difficult emotions and experiences a new mum might go through, and describes how all the things you do - no matter how small - end up making such a big difference. Importantly, it's not judgmental and regularly highlights that what works for one mum might not work for another. Once I've finished reading it, I'll add a review to the blog as it's a MUST for new mums (and dads)!

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  2. I think as new parents we seek out advice (I know I did) and then later are annoyed at how it made us feel. The books I think are really good, but didn't have when I had my first baby, are:

    Caroline Deacon's "Baby Calming" - she's quite good at giving information without telling you what to do, tells you what research says about different ideas.

    Kate Evans' "The Food of Love" - this one's mostly about breastfeeding, and is information presented in a fun way with cartoons. Again, properly evidence-based and not really an instruction manual.

    Elizabeth Pantley's "The No Cry Sleep Solution" - this one I did actually get when my first was approaching one. Another one that doesn't instruct, just passes on information. It didn't really help my daughter to sleep better, but it made me feel better able to deal with the way she slept.

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